For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal live. John 3:16 (NIV)

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There is no other relationship in your life that is like a mother-child relationship. We all have just one biological mother, even though throughout our life we may have many women who fill the role of mother. A mother-child-bond is emotionally charged. Filled with mixed emotions of love-hate charged by power plays and manipulation.

First let's focus on your biological mother and assume that she raised you and you and she had/have a continuing relationship in the traditional sense.

She conceived you, carried you in her body as you grew into a viable person, gave you life, birthed you and then the fun began. For the first 14 years of your life she fed you, nurtured you, taught you right from wrong, took you to school, kissed your boo boo's, cheered you on to victories big and little, encouraged your curiosity, supported you in every way, and if you were lucky, loved you unconditionally.

Then you became a teenager and started to pull away and in doing so you turned away from her and perhaps against her. Boys and girls may experience this separating phonenoma differently.

When you left home to become your own person you may or may not have maintained a close relationship with you mother. Sons tend to grow more distant and daughters tend to stay closer to her mother's family bringing their husband or partner into her extended family.

If adolescent separation issues aren't resolved the distance grows even greater. While mothers yearn to be cherished and loved unconditionally this may never happen and a mother may be relegated to a second to even third class person in her adult child's life.

In today's world many children live in different towns, states, even countries from their mother. Distance effects closeness. Adult children are busy with their own careers, families and friendships and mothers may have to settle for an occasional telephone call, or greeting card. Visits on holidays are treasured times together, and may be problematic.

New boundaries must be set with considerations for in-laws. Grandchildren and revised traditions with the new family take precedence. If their son's or daughter's new family don't do things the same way a mother must step aside and keep her mouth shut.

In the natural order mother's die before her children.

The time in a child life that his/her mother dies is critically important. If a mother dies when her child is still young under seven, the child will grieve but not fully understand the concept of death and over time will have little memory of her.

If a child's mother dies between 7 and 12 years they will feel great loss and sadness. During this period the mother is primary in her child's life and her absence could interrupt emotional development for some time. Of course everyone is different so I am speaking in general.

If a mothers death occurs during adolescence 13- 20 years her child may suppress the emotional feelings surrounding her loss. A mother death will create confusion at a time when hormones are churning and separating from her is the developmental goal. Emotions are confusing and beginning to transition from childhood to more mature feelings. Her death could affect future relationships with women for both daughters and sons. Her death may be internalized as abandonment and fear of abandonment may prevail in future relationships.

If a mother dies later in her child's adult years after her son or daughter has established their own family she will fade into the wallpaper in a role much less important. The amount of contact, intimacy, respect that is ongoing is the key to a continuing emotional bond. Some adult children maintain a token relationship with their mother out of obligation, but not sincere love.

When a mother dies there be little grief, maybe even relief that the middle position and the consequential obligations to become a caretaker are lifted. The grieving process under these common circumstances is minimal.

There are cultural differences of course. And family dynamics differ. A man who lives with his mother until she dies may be emotionally devastated when his mother dies. A daughter who talk to her mother daily on the telephone and maintains a strong mother-daughter bond will miss her mother terribly.

Now the adult child becomes the torchbearer of the older generation. The cycle of family relationships passes onto the adult children.

OLD BAGGAGE

Mother-child relationships are often littered with old baggage. Bitterness and resentment may overshadow feelings of love for both a mother and for her daughter and son. Memories distorted by disillusionment, drug use, gender identity, if not resolved may linger and strain the relationship.

In some cases a mother may not be emotionally available to her child due to a crisis in her own life. I had a 28 year-old client who had two children 6 and 4. After her husband committed suicide and she was so traumatized and emotionally bankrupt that she didn't have an ounce of reserve to deal with her children's emotional or physical needs. For the first year after his death she couldn't do the laundry, pack school lunches, go to school functions, help with homework and worst of all support their grief at losing their father.

She felt terrible guilty and intellectually she knew she should be there for them, but wasn't able to. Through counseling we arranged for family and friends to substitute for her until she could resume her maternal functions.

It is possible later in life the children one or both may have memories of emotional abandonment and fault her, when she did the best she could under the circumstances.

The nature of motherhood is like a minefield left abandoned for several years then explodes one day without notice. There are no schooling required to be a mother, no one to tell a woman how to handle all circumstances. Books and classes, and advice from more experienced mothers' help. But in the end most mothers parent the way they were raised, with the same do's and don'ts.

When mother's die, old or young they will be remembered for a few moments out of the many years spent nurturing, loving, shaping, scolding, teaching their child. All of your life until one of you dies your mother was the one person who did for you what no one else will ever do. She gave you life!

You only have one mother--- cherish her and appreciate the life she gave you and all the sacrifices she made to allow you to become the person you are today.

BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH

OF

NANCY O'CONNOR PH.D.

Nancy (Vardon-Hopf) O'Connor was born in Detroit, Michigan. She worked as a nurse for 15 years. In 1971 she earned her B.S in Sociology followed by her M.S and a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology in adult development and gerontology at the University of Oregon.

Dr. O'Connor has served on the faculties of the University of Oregon and the University of Arizona. She has been a clinical psychologist for community mental health programs and in private practice 23 years until her retirement in 1998. The last 12 years of her practice she was the founder and Director of the Grief and Loss Center in Tucson, Arizona.

Dr. O'Connor has extensive experience as a seminar leader, workshop facilitator, teacher, trainer and lecturer. She has worked as a consultant to hospices, hospitals, schools, corporations, nursing homes, police departments and numerous private and public agencies both in the United States and abroad.

She is the author of several articles and books. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process is an international bestseller and has sold over 200,000 copies worldwide. How to Grow Up When You're Grown Up: Achieving Balance in Adulthood is holistic approach to adult development and How To Talk To Your Doctor is a lighthearted approach at improving communications between patients and doctors, encouraging patients to be more empowered and participate in their own health care. Lottie's Lot is a novel based on the true-life stories of her great grandmother Lottie Walker-Hastings and her children and grandchildren. In the Year 2323 is a musical comedy about population issues and global environmental issues and Letter Therapy: Healing Past Emotional Pain, Grief and Abuse.

For more information and to see her books got to http://www.lamariposapress.com

Article Source: EzineArticles.com

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